The Resident Expert
Weighs in with total confidence on any subject, having read one headline and no further.
Tell: Opens with "actually" and closes with a link nobody clicks.
A field guide
Every feedhas one.
Eight types, and you are already picturing a specific person for at least four of them. That is the whole test. Nobody has to be named.
The Vaguebooker
Posts a sentence engineered so that eleven people have to ask if everything is alright.
Tell: Replies to every single one with "I would rather not say here."
The 3AM Poster
Perfectly normal until roughly eleven at night, at which point the posting changes character entirely.
Tell: Six posts in forty minutes, then silence until Thursday.
The Comment Section Warrior
Will argue with a stranger for four days about something neither of them will remember by Sunday.
Tell: Never leaves the last word alone. Never has.
The Overshare
Treats a public feed exactly like a private diary, and everybody scrolling has learned things they cannot unlearn.
Tell: You now know their medical situation and their bank balance.
The Highlight Reel
Every single post is a win. Nothing has ever gone wrong. It is exhausting in a way nobody can name out loud.
Tell: The word "blessed" is doing heavy lifting.
The Stranger's Funeral Commenter
Turns up in the comments of people they have never met, offering thoughts nobody asked for.
Tell: "So sad" on a post about somebody else's grandmother.
The Reply Guy
Responds to everything you post within ninety seconds, regardless of the hour or the topic.
Tell: You have started checking whether they replied before you check anything else.
The important part
It is the same person on every platform. Only the costume changes.
People talk about this as though Facebook does something to a person that Instagram does not. It does not. The behaviour is identical everywhere. The format just decides what it looks like when it arrives.
Facebook
The essay. Nine paragraphs, no line breaks, one photo of a sunset for no reason.
X
The same take in forty words, and then the pile on, which is the actual point.
Instagram
Seven story slides, text over a plain background, gone in twenty four hours and screenshotted forever.
TikTok
The same thing again, out loud, filmed in a parked car.
Four costumes, one cast member, and they have never once been asked to perform.
Send this to them.
Not that they will recognise themselves. Nobody ever does. But somebody else in that thread will, and they will know exactly why you sent it.